Call me a cynic, but I don’t think the Dean of York Minster owns a copy of Kill ‘Em All by Metallica, or Killing is my Business…and Business is good! by Megadeth, or the cutely titled Sailing The Seas of Cheese by Primus.
By Miles Salter
Feature photo – Plague of Angels
That’s because Church of England leaders tend to be white, middle class, conservative with a small ‘c’ and introverts. They like gardening and choirs. There are a lot of bald heads and glasses, if you know what I mean.
So how on earth has the Minster got itself entangled in a controversy with a thrash metal band? Some bright spark is using the Minster as a venue for a gig with a band called Plague of Angels, who are going to rock the aisles. The problem? A couple of members in the band were in another outfit with a T-Shirt that was described by Rolling Stone as ‘the most controversial shirt in rock history.’ It depicted a topless nun masturbating and the words ‘Jesus is a c**t’. Wow. We didn’t get that in Sister Act.
To be fair to the Minster, it’s all a bit of a muddle that somebody never saw coming. An oversight. Like leaving the brown M & Ms in the bowl in the dressing room. But the cathedral’s congregation are not happy. Some have called it an ‘outright insult’. Others said “I really hope Plague of Angels play What Lies Beneath – in fact they could do it in the Crypt!” (I may have made that last sentence up.)
Goodness, though, it’s a good thing the band picked on Jesus. Imagine if the prophet Mohammad had been their target? They’d be in hot water then, and somebody would want to shove their drumsticks somewhere very painful. That’s the trouble with Christians. They’re just way too nice.
The real wallies in this story are York Minster, who should have done their homework properly, and now are dealing with a lot of hostility. The reason the gig is happening at all is because of money. The Minster is addicted to the stuff. It gets through cash like metal bands go through guitar strings. Previous gigs at the Minster included Damon Albarn doing an acoustic gig in December 2021. (The audience got In The Bleak Midwinter, the gorgeous Christmas carol, but no Parklife.)
If you want to wander around York’s most holy site, the current price tag is £20, with another £6 on top if you want to go to the tower. The entrance is jealously guarded by the Minster Minions, who can’t wait to get hold of your cash. When you leave, of course, it’s via the gift shop, where you can buy an ‘Archbishop of York Stephen Cottrell Christmas Tree Decoration’ (they’re hoping it will still be relevant nine months from now). You also have the chance to ‘adopt a York Minster Organ Pipe’. It’s 32 feet long and will cost you £150. One wonders what can do with such a gift, except ask friends if they’d like to hear about the length of one’s organ. There isn’t, as far as I can tell, a thrash music section.
Why is the Minster so in thrall to money? It’s not like they’ve been short of donations in recent years. They were promised up to £1 million in matched funds from the heritage lottery fund to sort out their ‘Great East Window’, though the project cost £11m in total.
Part of the reason lies with a vastly expensive project the Minster has been developing in recent years. The ‘Centre of Excellence for Heritage Craft Skills and Estate Management’ was originally supposed to have cost £4 million, but the BBC has reported that the cost has doubled. It’s a huge amount to make sure stonemasons get trained well. The Minster’s partner in the scheme is another local spendthrift organisation, the University of York, in debt to the tune of £24 million for the 2022-2023 academic year, although they have greatly reduced the amount. I wonder if York Minster feel like they’ve been led up the garden path.
Given the size of the numbers involved, a few thousand pounds on a rock gig seems like small beer. But every little helps. Sometimes I think that if Starbucks approached the Minster to see if they could sell coffee in the nave, the Dean and company would seriously consider it. Anyone fancy a ‘loaves and fishes’ cappuccino?
A great outcome, for York Minster, would be if our Lord did a gig at the Minster. ‘Jesus LIVE!’ the T-Shirts could proclaim. ‘The biggest comeback gig ever!’ They would sell masses of merchandise, and tickets would be nearly as pricey as Taylor Swift’s. The crowd would go wild. ‘Jesus, do ‘The Sermon on The Mount,’ fans would yell. ‘It’s your greatest hit!’ Just don’t mention the money changers in the temple.
Plague of Angels play at York Minster as part of Organic Metal: Two Worlds Collide on 25 April 2025. Tickets are available here.
Miles Salter lives in York. He writes for York Calling and fronts the band Miles and The Chain Gang. They have no plans to play York Minster.
